This question comes from a grade school friend back home…
I have been married for 24.5 years to a man who no longer seems to care. My question too you is, how can I make him realize that I am something other than the maid?
I just wrote a pdf “how-to” guide on getting a fading relationship back on track, that I am thinking I’ll offer to people who subscribe to my site… but it goes with your question so I will pull some of the info out of there for you…
Your question is kinda vague. It doesn’t provide much information about how the emotional dynamics in your relationship are. Like, do you guys still love each other and are just too “comfortable” in the relationship after having been in it so many years?
The first thing to keep in mind and understand is that men and women are very different on how they experience “problems” and “emotions” etc… Women are emotional beings, while men are more logical. This is of course in general and doesn’t apply to every single woman or man on earth lol. But basically, we experience a wide range of emotions and thoughts and concerns, when we are confronted with a problem. We have a tendency to get emotional and overthink and often think things that are completely inaccurate about what may be in the mind of our men, instead of opening up a line of communication and simply asking direct questions, we tend to think our men are mind readers, or should be.
Men are logical thinkers, doers, fixers. Men are not interested in hashing out every detail of an argument or problem, and hearing us nag about it. They want to know what to do to fix it. Not argue about it. It’s like the classic complaint that men have about us., they ask “what’s wrong honey” and we reply, “nothing” when clearly we are upset. We have this expectation that he will clearly see we are upset, so he should care enough to come after us, and coddle us, or do whatever it takes to make us feel better. But they are not mind readers, and truthfully they aren’t interested in trying to figure out why you’re upset, they will more likely throw their hands in the air, say “I just don’t understand women” and within minutes they have forgotten and moved on to the football game.
After a lot of thinking and retrospection, I have come to the conclusion that the world as a whole, lacks communication. Clear concise and effective communication could solve a lot of problems otherwise left to possibly force a relationship to its end.
My suggestion to you is to talk to him. Both of you with the understanding that you may stir some emotions or anger, and may need to stop and take small breaks. It is imperative that you are able to talk openly and honestly, about things you each may not like about the other, and be willing to accept them and fix them.
Sit together, without any distractions, and write a list. Start with a list of all the reasons you fell in love, the things you still love about each other. Remind each other of things you may have completely forgotten over the years, that made you fall, to begin with.
Then write an open and honest, thorough list of the things that you both feel need to be changed in each other to make the relationship thrive. Write this list in order of the most troublesome things on top, to the least at the bottom. Then determine what each of you wants to see change in the other, and start working to fix them.
You have been married a long time Jacki. Truth is, mammals were not meant to mate for life. we were meant to procreate and populate.
.*In fact, of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals, only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong pair bonds. This select group includes beavers, otters, wolves, some bats and foxes, and a few hoofed animals *(https://www.livescience.com/1135-wild-sex-monogamy-rare.html)
You guys have to bring back the spark, the desire, the excitement. Ask your husband what you could do differently to get his attention, how could you “turn him on”. make him desire you again, and allow him, to be completely honest with you, without any anger or judgment. Maybe there are things he would like for you to do, that he doesn’t tell you because he is afraid you might get mad, or be opposed to it.
Surprise him one night, go into the bedroom before him, put on some sexy lingerie, light some candles, get a little more freaky than he is used to.
Randomly flirt with him at unexpected moments, whisper sexy stuff in his ear, and walk away… give him a little bit of shock element to entice him.
But in terms of the relationship as a whole not just in the bedroom, you need to tell him exactly what you are feeling and more importantly what you expect him to do to fix it.
Give him clear concise directions, don’t make him do any guesswork.
Try a date night maybe? People who are together that many years, honestly, just become complacent, secure and bored. Spice it up, do something different. Water your grass and you may find it is as green as the other side.
Or, hire a maid. 🙂
Let me know how it works out 🙂