Today’s topic is about, “coping with divorce.” A question sent in from a male friend of mine from back East.
I am in the middle of a divorce right now myself. But I left my husband fifteen years ago. But I remember the pain I went through after leaving so I will give my opinion based on how I felt then.
Despite that I was abused and I left him, I still experienced a great deal of pain. I was alone and I was used to being with him. I spent about a year after leaving him crying myself to sleep every night. I used to lay in bed and think about him, and him being with another woman. The typical things one might think about when they separate from someone they have spent a great deal of time calling their own. I went into a domestic violence program that came with a counselor who was absolutely wonderful. At first, I felt humiliated. I felt as if I were not adequate in my own strength to handle the feelings on my own. But my self-esteem was already suffering in so many other ways I just forced myself to participate and did the counseling. It was one of the best decisions I made during the process of recovering from that separation. So my first piece of advice is not to go through this alone. Reach out to family, friends, and if you are inclined and in a position to do so, get some counseling. Don’t fight your feeling on this. Let them out. If you are sad and want to cry, do it. If you are angry and want to punch a pillow, do it. Accept the feelings, experience them, and then let them go.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself through this process and after while you are going through the struggle of moving past it. Remember that the goal is to move on. Every time you start to feel down, remind yourself that you WILL be okay. Tell yourself this is not the end. You still have a future. Explore new interests and build on them. Everyone goes through changes during different stages in their lives. Now is a good time for you to really explore who you have become and what it is you are looking for in the future. I spent a year and a half grieving before I finally snapped out of it, and another 8 years single before finding the love of my life. Give yourself the time you need. There is no set amount, it’s different for everyone. I would suggest that during this time you focus on you. That you don’t jump into another relationship right away. Based on who you are at this point in your life think about some of the things you might want in a new partner in the future, but get through this first. Rebounds don’t always fill the void and often end pretty quickly.
Often when we are going through a big change, especially one like divorce, everyone we know has an opinion and they are never hesitant to share it. Avoid anyone who makes you feel bad about what you are going through. You already feel like shit, don’t expose yourself to anyone who will make it worse. And be careful who you share what with. Not everyone is going to be kind and understanding about your situation.
Don’t make any major decisions during this time, and for a few months after it’s finalized. This is an emotional time for you and you might make decisions based on emotion rather than logic and that could get you in trouble.
Avoid power struggles with your ex. When you have to talk to her about things pertaining to the divorce or kids or whatever it may be, if it gets to the point of an argument, calmly suggest that the two of you try talking again later and walk away.
Don’t take all the blame for this. It takes two to get married and two to cause a divorce. Try to take all the things I said, especially the YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! part, and keep them in the back of your mind. And last but not least, I am a message away. If you ever just need to vent and do it with someone not so close to home, I am here. I hope this helps some. <3
Coping with divorce is definitely something you can handle! Good Luck!Tags: divorce, relationships